Lily's Journal
by Cymberline
Summary: Lily's thoughts about James, war, life, death, muggle records, orange clogs and what it means to love someone. And perhaps James' perspective might sneak in a little too. Variety is the spice of life, and all that jazz. Seventh year onwards. LE/JP


**Hello! I have recently discovered this fanfiction that I started writing a while ago. I really wanted to explore Lily's ideas and feelings on the war, falling in love with James, and cat-chewed clogs. I also just needed a change from writing James. There is more written of this, and I'm expanding my ideas and hopefully there will be a completed fanfiction to come. **

**Enjoy :).**

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><p><em>Lily's Journal, from her seventh year at Hogwarts to her death.<em>

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><p><em>Excerpt one, September, beginning of seventh year. <em>

I asked him almost every day for four years to leave me alone, and then one day he finally does and I'm bat-shit bored. By him I mean James Potter. And by telling him to leave me alone, I mean I have _told_ him. I have hexed him, yelled at him, dumped him into the Great Lake, given him detention, given his friends detention... everything. There's nothing I haven't done. I can't decide if he's very stubborn or if he's just dense. I tried ignoring him for a week but that seemed to make him think I'd just given up trying to resist his charm, and thus he should continue his efforts to woe with me with renewed vigour. _Honestly_. He was so arrogant back then, but that was 5th year and I suppose two years ago things were very different. Back then, there were only whispers in the halls of what was going on outside of Hogwarts, but now it was talked about every day. The Daily Prophet is practically an in-print causality count. You can't avoid seeing names that ring familiar, and after you've put the paper down, you realise that the aunt of the quiet girl you sit next to in Herbology is dead. That's changed everything; it's made everyone here grow up. When you get up every day and you feel like you're not studying to simply learn but to be trained to enter a war, it kind of puts a damper on things. The Slytherins are getting unbearable. Sev is...

I don't really want to talk about Sev. I don't really want to talk about James Potter either, but the fact that I'm _annoyed_ that he isn't annoying me is something that I felt required some sort of internal examining. There is, of course, the far out concept that I've grown attached to him. I suppose it's like getting attached to the ugly toy that no one else wants. Except that he isn't at all ugly and that he is too popular for his own good. And now he's the Head Boy to my Head Girl. You'd think Dumbledore planned it this way, wouldn't you? You'd think life planned it this way. Well, life can rethink its plans because he is not what I want. No one is currently what I want. Do you know how difficult it is right now, to be in a couple? Especially to be in a couple where one half of said couple is a mudblood. I am not ashamed of my status, I am proud of my blood, proud of my magic; proud of how so many of the Slytherins can't touch me in a duel. I'm not afraid to be alone; I'm afraid to allow anyone to love me, in case I die. In case they die because of me. I don't know if that makes me a coward or not. Maybe it does. Maybe I don't care.

Either way, James Potter is annoying me. And without him, I am bat-shit bored. But I know it's for the best, so I'm going to pretend it doesn't bother me. If he can't love me, if I can't love him, he'll never get hurt.

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><p><em>Excerpt Two, September, beginning of seventh year<em>

I like to think back to the first time I came to Hogwarts, the first journey. I like to think of Sev before he dreamed of being branded on the arm. I like to think of James when it was easy to dislike him, when my feelings toward him weren't so unsettling. I like to think back to when things felt safe here in the wizarding world. I felt like Alice falling down the rabbit hole on my first journey on the Hogwarts Express. And though this war was brewing, was bubbling beneath the surface of wizarding society, it wasn't at the forefront. It didn't affect absolutely everything you did like it does now. It was there, of course, as these things always are. But to the eyes of an 11 year old girl in a completely alien situation it was very difficult to see all the problems and understand them fully for what they were. Some people were mean, some people were nice and that was as far as things went. It took a whole year for me to understand they weren't just being mean to _me_ (as self-absorbed as that is) because they didn't like me; it was because they hated anyone like me. It's such a far-out concept, hating someone for something they have no choice over. I didn't choose to be red haired and 5 foot 5, but no one seems to hate me for that in the least. No one seems to hate my green eyes, or the fact that I'm pale. Isn't it amazing how awful you can feel about your whole being when a few idiotic individuals hate you for what is on the inside, something you can't change?

I want James to be a balm to that, I really do. James, who's always look at me and just seen Lily. He doesn't look at me and see the hair and the eyes and the skin I can't change. He doesn't look at me and see the blood I can't change. He looks at me and sees me, as I am. I didn't realise that for a long time. I thought, perhaps, he thought me pretty. I thought, perhaps, he thought me a conquest because he liked a challenge. I thought, perhaps, he was just making fun of me. But now. Now I actually see what it is. It's just me.

Do you have any idea how frightening that is? Has anyone ever wanted you, for exactly what you are? Without asking you to change anything, or asking you to be something you're not. My own sister doesn't love me for what I am, and yet James Potter takes me as I am. Freak and all.

I think once I realised that I kind of gave James more of a chance. Last year he sort of, well... toned everything down a bit. I didn't see him hex anyone, really, and he actually worked really hard. He deserved Head Boy. People like him. He's a leader. I'm still not sure why Dumbledore picked me. Sometimes I think it's because I'm muggleborn. Though I can't deny that my grades are excellent, and that I made a very good prefect. I'm 'responsible'. 'Responsible' Lily Evans. Urgh, shoot me now. I'm not just responsible, and a good prefect. I own a vast collection of jazz records, you know. And I always eat the icing off the cake first. I never organise my wardrobe, everything's just jammed in there pell-mell, and sometimes when I look for my clogs I find my cat chewed them 6 months ago and they have stains all over them. But, anyway...

My original point here was, I think, that I have grown to have feelings for James over time. Over a long time. I think he's careless with his treatment of people's feelings, not because he is callous, but because he sometimes a little (dare I suggest this) socially awkward. Well, maybe that's not the phrase, but he is certainly is dim when it comes to people's feelings and what to say. I think that might be a side-effect of the Y chromosome though (I also avidly read books about human biology. See? I'm not all wand-work and perfectly rolled parchment). The point I'm making though is that deciding I liked James was something gradual. There were no fireworks, no long looks from across the common room. I just realised. I woke up one day, and realised. Some people can love you for what you have on the outside, and that can be enough for them. Some people can love you for what's on the inside, the person you are, and that can be enough for them too. But then, in very rare cases, someone sees you for exactly who and what you are, and they decide to accept and cherish you for that. And that's James. He seems me, for what and who I am.

And now he's ignoring me. It's the first week of 7th year and he's ignoring me. I spent the whole holidays thinking up witty things to say to him, and ways to get his attention, and he will barely look at me. I said, "Hello James", to him this morning and he said, "Evans!" very quickly and kept walking. I feel like I've ruined it. He's the person that's meant to love me for what I am!

I'm such a fucking idiot.

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><p><strong>Haven't written in a long while, so let me know what you think. Hopefully it's not complete crap. Excerpts three and four to written and being edited. Should be up soon!<strong>

**Peace :)**


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